Eating Disorder Awareness Week Guest Blog: Jessica Robson
As part of Eating Disorders Awareness Week (28th Feb-6th Mar), Young People’s Forum member and athlete with Law & District, Jessica Robson has written about her history with an Eating Disorder.
Talk of eating disorders can bring an uneasy feeling to even the most woke of sports conversationalists. I think it’s one of those things we know is a big problem, but in our uneasiness it’s easier to brush the issue under the carpet than to face it head on. I have no intentions to mention here what diagnosis I received, go into depth on how an eating disorder impacted my life, or speak of the underlying issues behind it’s manifestation. I don’t feel any of that is relevant to the message I want to send through this article, nor do I actually have any desire whatsoever to share such details with relative strangers. This isn’t about me, really. I simply want to use a few thoughts from my own lived experience to join the growing number of athletes who are speaking up, shedding light on an often misunderstood problem.
Chances are you’ve no idea who I am. Maybe we’ve met, maybe we haven’t. Perhaps we’ve chatted about the weather in a portaloo queue; maybe we’ve shook hands at a finish line because we happen to have crossed one close to each other; we might even have unwittingly been in each other’s company countless times over several years, never exchanging anything beyond smiles of acknowledgement. In that respect, I’m no different to anyone else you may or may not have crossed paths with. You can look and see my club vest, my style of running and whose company I’m in. You cannot see an eating disorder. It does not define me as an athlete and it is far from the most interesting thing about me as a person. These are not examples of reasons to justify brushing over the problem, but rather why we need to talk about it.
An invisible problem is still a problem.
I didn’t see myself represented in my perception of what I thought an eating disorder was. Then, the more I tried to figure out what was going on in my head, the more knowledgeable I became. I learned that eating disorders are more prevalent in athletes than in the general population. This helped, and led me to begin to make sense of what was happening.
Still, I was convinced I didn’t fit the bill and couldn’t voice my concerns. Also, if this was such a big problem in sport, why did so few people seem to be talking about it? If it was so prevalent, why did I not know about it? Why did it need to be kept quiet - was there something to be ashamed of? What would anyone think of an athlete claiming to have a problematic relationship with food and exercise, when by nature that’s what we’re supposed to be good at?
Throw all this on top of the false perception that an athlete’s mental strength makes them immune to requiring any sort of help, and you can see where I had difficulty. I’m not the first person to have battled with these misconceptions, and unfortunately I won’t be the last. We can, though, have the conversations necessary to break down these misconceptions so that athletes can speak up and receive support sooner.
It’s odd to think that some of the traits that make the sporting world so attractive to a person are the same traits that could potentially create a vehicle for total chaos. A constant drive for improvement, a few perfectionist tendencies, the determination to leave no stone unturned… There are a number of powerful traits that can facilitate great success in sport but, if left to spill into every facet of daily life, can become rather problematic. Even while an immersion in sport may not directly cause an eating disorder, and vice versa, combine the two things and they’re going to get pretty wrapped up in each other - in my experience, anyway.
I do not in any way believe that sport alone caused my illness. I do, however, feel there are blurred lines between commendable commitment and an unhealthy obsession; between admirable dedication and total burnout; between inspirational effort and a means of self-destruction. Perhaps that’s why there is a haze in that moment when your life shifts from ‘appropriately structured’ to detrimentally inflexible, or when what started as pure joy turns into a measure of self worth and an irreconcilable pursuit of perfection. It’s all too easy to hide a problem behind the mask of a hard-core athletic identity and a genuine love for the sport. I think all of this can make identifying a problem - not just in others, but in ourselves - incredibly difficult.
It was painful to acknowledge that something I love so much had become a channel through which to express a deeper problem. Nevertheless, what matters is I did make that acknowledgement, and I can now promise anyone that it’s the best thing you can do. I mistook mental illness for mental weakness, and in my determination to be nothing but strong I trapped myself. So, it’s quite incredible to now know that saying “help” is actually the strongest thing I’ve ever done. I turned the tide and used those powerful traits for good again. I have a newfound appreciation for the joy I find in my running, and a new respect for its place amongst the other loves in my life. The road to recovery is a long one, and I’m certainly not at the end of it yet, nor can I put a date on when I will be. But I don’t see why that means I can’t speak out in support of a future in which other athletes don’t feel they have to suffer in silence. I hope what I have shared here can encourage even just one person to take a step in the right direction.
I don’t claim to know what the solution is to such a complex problem in our sport, but I know it certainly isn’t silence. I’m no expert; I’m speaking purely from personal experience, but I truly believe we can dramatically improve the outlook for athletes suffering from eating disorders. It’s not a problem we can look at and see with our eyes - we need to talk. I dream of growing old in this sport that fosters and celebrates strength - in every sense of the word - and I hope that I can do so with the knowledge that we are far more open about and aware of eating disorders than when I started out. This is me talking, and I hope others will follow.
There is a section on the scottishathletics website, www.scottishathletics.org.uk/about/welfare/duty-care/mental-health-wellbeing/Mental with information on Health and Well-being which has information on Mental Health, links to SAMH and links to a Mental Wellbeing in Sport and Physical Activity – Online Course
Jessica Robson, racing - happy & healthy.
